Broken Linc

Why Old People Make Us Crazy

Fri, 24 May 2013 08:44:47 -0400

Just saw an exchange between a GO transit ticket agent and an old lady wanting a senior pass. Ticket agent asked the lady for her birthday several times, to which the old lady kept replying “MY birthday?” She must have really sucked at connect-the-dots drawings. Finally, it was like a fidgety light bulb went on and the old lady said, “Ohhhh…MY birthday!”….and then said “May 15th” and nothing else. Ticket agent asked the year. Something about that relating to the request for a senior pass. More back and forth. Finally, old lady says “One-nine…okay, one-nine…you got that?” Yes, all birthdays for seniors would begin with “19” (except maybe Highlander) but I suspect what was needed was the less obvious two digits. This was like the old Who’s On First routine for the Age of Dementia.

Dear Anyone With Severe Wheat Allergies: in case the...

Wed, 22 May 2013 08:46:28 -0400

Dear Anyone With Severe Wheat Allergies: in case the product’s name “Shredded Wheat” didn’t clue you in, and in case the first ingredient being listed as “100% Whole Grain Wheat” still didn’t make this obvious (just in case you thought the name “Shredded Wheat” was being ironic or something), the box still cares enough about you to also say “Contains Wheat”. If you STILL eat this and die…I hope your family isn’t the crazy lawsuit kind of people or we’re gonna have to say some pretty mean things about you.

Piss Off, Winter!

Sun, 12 May 2013 17:53:00 -0400

Dear Winter: seriously, it’s MAY. We were kind enough to let you stay a little longer as it is but unless you want to be choked with piano wire and buried in the crawlspace with the others, I suggest you move on.

“The Most Important thing a Girl can wear is a...

Fri, 10 May 2013 19:31:42 -0400

“The Most Important thing a Girl can wear is a Smile!”…be sure to tell that to the police. Nothing the least bit weird about a nude woman smiling for no reason.

Garbage can just outside LCBO. Guess somebody REALLY needed...

Sat, 04 May 2013 21:28:23 -0400

Garbage can just outside LCBO. Guess somebody REALLY needed their fix. “Can you please check me out faster? As soon as I clear the doors, I am going to chug this immediately. Screw going home first; what are you, a cop?”

Looks like the people down the street have discovered the Oshawa...

Sat, 04 May 2013 14:38:26 -0400

Looks like the people down the street have discovered the Oshawa File Folder System.

Honestly, who approved this ad?

Thu, 02 May 2013 12:27:37 -0400

Honestly, who approved this ad?

Hmm…this really isn’t an outfit. I know you’re...

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 18:00:39 -0400

Hmm…this really isn’t an outfit. I know you’re a headless torso but honestly, you could at least TRY.

Tale of Another Mall Douche

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 20:15:24 -0400

Dear punk teenage kid in the mall: boy, you sure want EVERYONE to hear what music you like, don’t you? I guess your mom and dad must not pay much attention to you since you want to be noticed so badly. Well, you’ve got my attention; good for you! Also, you’re obnoxious and your music sucks and please go get flattened by something heavy and fast now.

If at first you don't succeed...or second...or third...

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 17:46:17 -0400

Just saw a man try to shut his driver’s side door but it wouldn’t close because his coat was in the way. He then did this two more times before he successfully managed to complete his task on attempt #4. A phrase not on this man’s resume: “quick learner”.

"Damn Wheelchairs Are Always In the Way Of Us Walkies..."

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 08:32:35 -0400

Dear Oshawa Doucheman: good for you for having that sports car and I KNOW, right - how DARE that man in a wheelchair cross on a green light when you were just trying to whip around the corner like a boss? Yeah! You yell stuff at him from inside your car; that’ll teach him to not have functional legs. You be sure to tell the group why you ran late when you get to your morning Doucheaholics Meeting.

Stupid Bus People, the competition just got real

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 19:03:10 -0400

Dear Stupid Bus People: the bar has just been set even lower. Two ladies walk off the bus and decide the perfect place for a gabfest is in the spot where all remaining passengers need to walk through in order to get off the bus (this spot curiously doubles as the spot where new passengers get on the bus). Where’s a falling piano when you need one? Actually,scratch that; that’s no solution. Then I would just have to climb over piano pieces/corpses to get on the bus. A sad moment when even an absurdly violent option is also impractical.

Uninvited Winter

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 08:28:49 -0400

This winter is like a dinner guest….the kind you didn’t WANT to invite but he’s a friend of your mom’s and he kind of invited himself over. So you get through dinner but he just won’t LEAVE; keeps telling you boring pointless stories. He finally gets up to leave and knocks over your china cabinet. He starts picking up the broken pieces and apologizing and you say, “Y’know what - just…just go. You’ve done enough. I can’t even LOOK at you right now…please, go away.”

Hurry Up,That Red Light Needs Company

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 09:02:25 -0400

Dear SUV driver near my bus this morning: when I crossed the street in front of you, thank you for throwing your arms up in the air and crinkling your face up like Kleenex; that really helped me to better understand how much of your time my existence has cost you. Your speeding away from me afterwards was a nice touch also…a shame that there was a red light 20 feet later but it’s the thought that counts.

“Ah, just another day of being a power outlet. Well hello...

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 08:57:21 -0400

“Ah, just another day of being a power outlet. Well hello there, Mr. Plug - oh god, what is THAT? That middle piece…get that thing AWAY from me; you should see a doctor at once. Unclean! Bad touch!”

Do not allow your alien baby to climb shelves.

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 20:19:43 -0400

Do not allow your alien baby to climb shelves.

You know what would be really great? If they had added the...

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 08:38:14 -0400

You know what would be really great? If they had added the “ED” after “FIX”. In fact, it wouldn’t JUST be really great…it would be SUPER.

U.S. Navy recruitment must be low; they’re even trying to...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 01:05:35 -0400

U.S. Navy recruitment must be low; they’re even trying to entice people who don’t make important life decisions based on reality.

Sometimes, you’ll look up reviews of a particular...

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 14:46:35 -0400

Sometimes, you’ll look up reviews of a particular restaurant and someone will have taken the time to write something that is everything you could hoped for: descriptive, interesting and helpful. Something that really pins down the specifics of the flavours, the atmosphere, the value, the waiting time, the service and how well (or poorly) the restaurant does in each of these categories. And then there’s this.

Oshawa lawn ornament.

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 15:44:04 -0400

Oshawa lawn ornament.