May 2013
6 posts
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Piss Off, Winter!
Dear Winter: seriously, it’s MAY. We were kind enough to let you stay a little longer as it is but unless you want to be choked with piano wire and buried in the crawlspace with the others, I suggest you move on.
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April 2013
11 posts
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Tale of Another Mall Douche
Dear punk teenage kid in the mall: boy, you sure want EVERYONE to hear what music you like, don’t you? I guess your mom and dad must not pay much attention to you since you want to be noticed so badly. Well, you’ve got my attention; good for you! Also, you’re obnoxious and your music sucks and please go get flattened by something heavy and fast now.
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If at first you don't succeed...or second...or...
Just saw a man try to shut his driver’s side door but it wouldn’t close because his coat was in the way. He then did this two more times before he successfully managed to complete his task on attempt #4. A phrase not on this man’s resume: “quick learner”.
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"Damn Wheelchairs Are Always In the Way Of Us...
Dear Oshawa Doucheman: good for you for having that sports car and I KNOW, right - how DARE that man in a wheelchair cross on a green light when you were just trying to whip around the corner like a boss? Yeah! You yell stuff at him from inside your car; that’ll teach him to not have functional legs. You be sure to tell the group why you ran late when you get to your morning Doucheaholics...
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Stupid Bus People, the competition just got real
Dear Stupid Bus People: the bar has just been set even lower. Two ladies walk off the bus and decide the perfect place for a gabfest is in the spot where all remaining passengers need to walk through in order to get off the bus (this spot curiously doubles as the spot where new passengers get on the bus). Where’s a falling piano when you need one? Actually,scratch that; that’s no...
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Uninvited Winter
This winter is like a dinner guest….the kind you didn’t WANT to invite but he’s a friend of your mom’s and he kind of invited himself over. So you get through dinner but he just won’t LEAVE; keeps telling you boring pointless stories. He finally gets up to leave and knocks over your china cabinet. He starts picking up the broken pieces and apologizing and you say,...
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Hurry Up,That Red Light Needs Company
Dear SUV driver near my bus this morning: when I crossed the street in front of you, thank you for throwing your arms up in the air and crinkling your face up like Kleenex; that really helped me to better understand how much of your time my existence has cost you. Your speeding away from me afterwards was a nice touch also…a shame that there was a red light 20 feet later but it’s the...
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March 2013
9 posts
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Have goatee, will travel
A guy tonight saw me and said “I love your goatee, man. Just being honest.” And then walked away. If he was messing with me, he sure went through a lot of trouble to seem authentic. And if he was being authentic…I don’t know, somehow that actually seems stranger.
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Rats, Japan. Oh, sorry...rat.
This week’s power outage at Japan’s Fukushima nuclear power plant apparently may have been caused by a rat. Strangest part to me is that “rat” wasn’t plural. Your plant wasn’t shut down by an infestation, a swarm or a horde of the buggers but by ONE tiny mindless cylinder of fur with teeth? Really, Japan? Maybe you should have made your house out of brick.
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Teachin' Ain't Easy
Former Toronto District School Board teacher Thomas Adrian Foster admitted at a hearing that he dragged students down the hall,hung them upside down by their ankles,called a student a “moron” and told students about staff members losing their virginity. He was fired and like everybody else on the planet, doesn’t feel he’s suited to be a teacher. In his defense, he said he...
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Automatic flushing toilets...defeated!
Walked into a mall washroom today. Was amazed to find that in six stalls in a row, crafty individuals had somehow managed to defeat the automatic flushing system. In the past, I has wrongly assumed that an unflushed toilet was just a by-product of a disgusting person’s laziness. But this smacks of the weirdest kind of sabotage I’ve seen, like some sort of League of Grossness is on a...
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Not Very Automatic Doors
Dear Downsview station: I would like to rename the doors leading from the Passenger Pickup Area into your station. They are currently named “Automatic Doors” but I believe a more fitting name would be “Doors That Stubbornly Remain Shut While You Just Stand In Front Of Them Like A Tool”. You will need to use a smaller font.
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The text message breakup
I think it’s awful how some people will actually break up with someone by text message. Sometimes they even rape the English language on the way out with gems like “U N I R dun.” It’s such a cold, impersonal thing to do; shows so little regard for another human being and so little respect for anything that relationship ever was. Though having said that, if a girl and her...
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Wow! Other people take the bus too? Poppycock!
I’m always fascinated by people who see a bus come to their stop and as soon as the door opens, they start walking on automatically…and when they notice the inevitable flood of people trying to exit the bus first, this look of bewilderment comes over their faces - the kind of look you might expect from someone who just saw a real live dragon (maybe dialled down 30%). In a way, I have...
February 2013
5 posts
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Watch out for Weed Girl, Travis!
Girl on bus on way to school tells her friend she was drunk and stoned all weekend and “still feeling it now.” Says she left weed at her friend Travis’ place and if he smokes it all on her, “I’m gonna be SOOO mad.” Yeesh, better watch out Travis. If you get on HER bad side, you’ll be on the receiving end of a 73 minute unfocused rant delivered in her lazy...
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GO transit? More like STOP transit. That wasn't...
Dear GO transit: it has sure been an adventure trying to figure out what your buses are up to today. Not the fun kind of adventure like the original Star Wars. More like watching all the Jar-Jar Binks scenes from the prequels on a 10-hour loop while fighting a hangover. I sure like the “NOT IN SERVICE” buses you have. I guess some buses needed a nap today. I shouldn’t really...
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January 2013
9 posts
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Rob Ford - 1, Logic - 0
After extensive contract negotiations, Rob Ford has reached an agreement to continue to star in another couple of seasons of The Bumbling Mayor Show. Because we all need more comedy in our lives.
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Damn jails and their forced bras
An inmate convicted of arson aims to raise a human rights challenge because she objects to being forced to wear a bra in prison. Jeez, so many RULES in jail. It’s almost like they’re trying to punish you.
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Arizona Fakery
In Arizona, proposed House Bill 2004 would outlaw online impersonation without permission on sites like Facebook and Twitter. This is great news! When I read things like “Soooo hot outside, OMFG” and “Doing laundry during peak water usage hours, YOLO!” from the people of Arizona, I want to know these are from REAL knobs and not the fake kind.
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Go Leafs, I guess
NHL lockout over. Fantastic news! Now the Leafs can get back to their usual sucking.
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What's he eating NOW?
I’m not normally one for New Year’s Resolutions but I’ve decided that I’d like to share pictures of all my meals with everybody I know forever. And to also share with a few thousand people I don’t really know, but who I’m CERTAIN will never grow tired of playing a rousing game of “What is Lincoln ingesting RIGHT NOW?” So my plan was to invent a...
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December 2012
11 posts
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Jail Shoes
Guy waiting at bus terminal: “Does anyone have change for the bus? I just got out of jail. I still have my jail shoes on.” Apparently jail shoes look exactly like running shoes. Maybe he was on the prison track team. Good for him.
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No More Mayan Nonsense, Please
Dear People Who believed in a December 21, 2012 apocalypse: regrettably, the world did not end. It seems your belief in a lopsided melodramatic interpretation in a calendar made by a nearly-extinct people were no match for real life. I’m afraid you will need to find something else to be miserable about.
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Fakepocalypse
So of course every news outlet wants to milk this “end of the world” dealie one last time (well,until the next Fakepocalypse). Metro paper front page teaser says it has an article about which animals might survive without humans. Am I the only one who really doesn’t care? I’m all for indulging hypotheticals though they lost me at “humans all gone”.
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The Odour Baby
A guy on this bus smells like B.O. and mildew had a baby and then raised it in an unstructured environment. My nose interprets things very specifically.
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Royally pregnant
Was watching the news and learned the most amazing thing: royal people get pregnant. Just like regular you and me people! They don’t commission their children to be built by the lowest bidder. Fascinating. Truly fascinating stuff. Thanks, news!
