After all the Rob Ford nonsense lately, it’s refreshing to see a mayor in trouble with the law for good old-fashioned corruption. Thanks, Montreal.

Rejected slogan for this sign: “If even pedophiles can run for kids, the least you can do is walk.”

“Ssending”…wow, spell-check didn’t catch that? Or maybe it was deliberate because the astronaut guy was talking like a cartoon snake and the paper wanted to get that across to be cheeky. “Sssssssalutations, sssssuperiors, I will no longer wear my ssssssspace ssssssuit as I am tendering my ressssssignation. Sssss. Now, time to ssssssalivate over thisssss sssssalami sssssandwich and later I will digessssssst a mousssssse (that’s mouse,not mousse).”

Dear everyone who wears shirts/other merchandise reading “Keep Calm and (one of the many, many, MANY substitutes for “Carry On” that is far less funny/clever than you believe it is)”: Please stop. Right now. Our civilization is already diluted enough; we don’t need this right now.

Lady near the front of the bus was arguing with bus driver at one of the stops. This might have cost everyone 3-4 min at most. This prompted another lady on the bus to demand to know what the hold up was, then she did the horrible kissing teeth noise and complained that now she was going to be late for work. If a 3-4 minute delay is sufficient to make you late for work (guess she never accounted for traffic either), you are poor at time management and will probably be out of work soon. On the plus side, you’ll gain more time to kiss your teeth alongside other unemployed people.

Dear Next Mayor of Toronto: the bar has been set. You’re gonna have to come up with a whole lotta crazy or you are gonna be SO boring. Also, all stand-up comics will probably hate you. Nothing personal; it’s just we’ve been sitting on a gold mine the last couple of years.

Rob Ford told people there is no video of him smoking crack. He apparently also told his staff not to worry about the video because he knows the exact location where it was filmed (the exact location of the video that does not exist). I’m not sure how that was supposed to REDUCE the level of worry. Maybe Ford realizes the gravity of his situation but is hoping for a second career as a location scout for film? “Oh yeah I was scoping that building once. PERFECT place for this film I wrote about people who buy crack. I mean, I always thought that if someone wanted to buy crack, that place totally looks the part. I’D go there. If I bought crack. Hey, where’d everybody go? C’mon guys, stop quitting. Guys?”

Dear child on bus: you are not currently being eaten by a shark, despite your incessant blood-curdling shrieking suggesting otherwise. Nobody’s handing out the Oscar for Best Overreaction To A Boo-Boo so settle down. Or I will call up my friend, Mr. Shark.

What happens when crime scene investigators are demoted to cleaning mall washrooms.

Dear Just Right cereal: very considerate of you to devote the entire back of your box to teaching the world that 15 is more than 5. Guess our schools must really be failing the children when it comes to basic math skills; thanks for pitching in.